Draco Malfoy and the Sorceror's Clone
by Siriusly Insane
Summary: It's Valentines Day--strange (naughty) scene involving Mary Sue, Draco, Voldemort, and Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake clones...


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Draco Malfoy and the Sorceror's Clone

By: me, Phoenix Fire

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Mary Sue. She lived in a quaint little cottage in the middle of the forest. She owned several cottages, in fact, and not all of them were small and quaint. Some housed stolen cars and bikinis and boys (usually Harry) wearing nothing but…well wearing nothing at all, in fact. These cottages were actually Mary Sue's summer and winter homes—she usually spent the rest of the year in the maternity ward. 

Anyway, Mary Sue always thought she was just gash-darn fantastic, but she was much too polite and modest to admit this to anybody. Her mummy said so, her daddy said so, her reflection in the mirror said so. So she believed it.

Her hair was long and as golden as the snow, and her emerald eyes sparkled with intelligence (though that might just have been the after-effects of sniffing one too many _cannabis_ flowers). Her skin was perfectly smooth and matte—the product of many months' worth of Oil of Olay treatment.

Mary Sue would spend hours each morning brushing her hair and singing quite charmingly with her reflection (she had several times been offered the position of lead singer for the Weird Sisters but had declined in order to defeat Voldemort and achieve world peace).

This particular morning, though, Mary Sue decided to take a brisk stroll in the woods to visit her forest animal friends (Mary Sue was quite athletic, to which she owed her voluptuous rear end). The flowers grew up where Mary Sue stepped to keep her delicate, perfect feet from scratching and blistering, and a rainbow appeared in the sky as the whole world burst into song ("It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood"). Mary Sue frolicked about in the forest, stopping to sniff the flowers and to sing a charming little melody with Mr. Bluebird.

But just then, someone leapt out of the bushes in front of Mary Sue.

It was…_Mary Sue_???

They were exactly alike, right down to the anorexic waist.

"Who are you?" Mary Sue gasped, putting her hand delicately to her plastic surgery-created bosom. 

"I am your twin sister, Maria Susan!" the doppelganger cried, cackling evilly.

"But I have no twin!" Mary Sue declared.

The twin-Mary Sue just laughed insanely as more and more Mary Sue-duplicates (all of whom looked remarkably like Britney Spears) stepped out from behind the trees.

"You are a clone!!" all the Mary Sues chanted ominously at once.

"NOOOO!!!" Mary Sue shrieked.

But just then, another terrified cry rang through the forest, and Draco Malfoy, followed by a horde of identical Justin Timberlakes (all of whom could have passed as Draco-twins), zoomed through the trees like one possessed, yelling like mad.

Mary Sue stopped mid-wail, and her shrill shriek turned into a kitten's purr (because, as well as being stunningly beautiful, intelligent, and all-round perfect, she was also fluent in Felinitongue). 

All Draco-clones stopped dead as if they had been speared through each egotistical, yet bad-boy sensitive heart. Considering the amount of drool the Dracos were producing and the surreptitious glances toward her _gluteus maximus_, Mary Sue decided to continue with her ditzy ways right then.

Mary Sue slowly peeled off her clothes before Draco's wide eyes (which didn't take very long at all considering how few clothes Mary Sue had been wearing in the first place). Her practiced strip could have made any of the sluts in Coyote Ugly envious. 

And suddenly, VOLDEMORT APPEARED!

"Mary Sue!" Voldemort bellowed. "Although I have no alterior motive to kill you, Harry's already dead, so now I shall AVADA KEDAVRA-IZE YOU!!"

"NO!" Mary Sue wept piteously. "How can you do so awful a thing??"

Voldemort's lower lip started trembling. "It's not my fault my daddy didn't hug me when I was little!" he wailed, bursting into tears. "All I wanted was for someone to love me!!! Why doesn't anybody LIKE me???"

"You know, this is rather inconvenient, with us just about to snog and have teen sex and cause a teen pregnancy and all…" Draco cut in uncertainly.

Voldemort started, unaware of Draco's presence, and growled hornily at an only partially-clothed Draco Malfoy. And at that very moment, Hot Chocolate's "You Sexy Thing" started pounding from somewhere nearby. 

"And now, Draco Malfoy, I shall…"

Voldemort raised his wand and….

…conjured up a _riding crop_!

"…shag you!"

And here, I shall stop, or else be forced to projectile vomit. The rest continued as any hitchcock film would.

All Maitlyns and Nathanials were quickly undressed, and the three-way sex orgy continued through the night.

Suffice it to say that all saliva and viral and bacterial diseases were thoroughly exchanged.

Later on, all the Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake clones went on to join the Dark Side to corrupt the minds of innocent ickle kiddies and conquer the universe and destroy all that is Good and Righteous in this world.

THE END

A/N: ~stares in utter disgust and disbelief in what she has just produced~ Eww…fluffiness…spikiness…icky…~shudder~ It was Valentine's Day yesterday, so I was slightly—er—hyper due to dangerously unrecommendable amounts of sweets. 

Discloner: I claim no responsibility for creating any of these Mary Sue and Draco Malfoy clones. Blame the sugar.

Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to the Almighty, Praise-worthy JK, Ruler of Harry Potter World, and therefore many of those who actually possess a brain. And Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and the rest of *NSYNC are owned by whatever vile sadist decided to inflict utter havoc upon the world.

And to those potential flamers: It's cold up in this part of the world—the flames will keep me warm.


End file.
